Bob Monkhouse

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Bob Monkhouse bigraphy, stories - Comedian

Bob Monkhouse : biography

1 June 1928 – 29 December 2003

Robert Alan ‘Bob’ Monkhouse OBE (1 June 1928 – 29 December 2003) was an English entertainer. He was a successful comedy writer, comedian and actor and was also well known on television as a presenter and game show host.

Stand-up comedy

A respected stand-up comedian, Monkhouse was known for his talent at ad-libbing. He became a much in demand after dinner speaker and wrote a book about the subject, Just Say A Few Words (Lennard Publishing, 1988, 1999).

Quotes

Notable one-liners

  • "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now."
  • "Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"
  • "Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
  • "Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest."
  • "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers." (Said on the advert which was broadcast after he had died)
  • "Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional."
  • "As a comic, you need every wrinkle. Having a facelift would be like asking a tap dancer to have his feet chopped off."
  • "I came home and found that my son (wife) was taking drugs – my very best ones too!" (on Have I Got News For You)
  • "I think Ian [Hislop] forgets that he is working in tandem with a man who was described by The Guardian as a cult." (on Have I Got News For You)The Unforgettable Bob Monkhouse(ITV)
  • "I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate."
  • "I’m not afraid of death. The only problem is that you’re so bloody stiff the next day." (on Parkinson, 2003)
  • "So you are half Welsh and half Hungarian, that means you are well-hung!" (on V Graham Norton)
  • (on stage as a veteran comic)"You’ll be glad to hear I can still enjoy sex at 74. I live at number 76 – it’s no distance."
  • "I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard."
  • "It got up to 94 degrees today – that’s pretty good at my age."
  • "I’m from Kent. I hear them whisper it as I walk past."
  • On his visits to Princess Grace Hospital for treatment after being diagnosed with prostate cancer – "I’ve been in and out of Princess Grace more often than Prince Rainier."
  • "With my wife it was sex, sex, sex… Yes, three times in 35 years."
  • "Should you wish to piss…." (an infamous blooper when presenting The $64,000 Question in which he mispronounced the word "pass")
  • "Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years. My mum must have written one hell of a sick note!"
  • "The doctor said have you heard of faecal impaction? I said, I think I saw that with Glenn Close" Joking about his cancer battle on Parkinson in 2003.

Game show catchphrases

  • "Bernie… the bolt!" – catchphrase on The Golden Shot.
  • "In bingo lingo clickety-clicks, it’s time to take your pick of the six" – catchphrase on Bob’s Full House.

Early life and career

Bob Monkhouse was born at 168 Bromley Road, Beckenham, Kent, the son of Wilfred Adrian Monkhouse (1894–1957) and Dorothy Muriel Monkhouse née Hansard (1895–1971). Monkhouse had an elder brother, John, who was born in 1922. Monkhouse’s grandfather was a prosperous Methodist businessman who co-founded Monk and Glass, which made custard powder and jelly.

Bob Monkhouse was educated at Goring Hall School in Worthing and Dulwich College, from which he was later expelled. While still at school, Monkhouse wrote for The Beano and The Dandy and drew for other comics including Hotspur, Wizard and Adventure. He established a comics writing and art partnership with Dulwich schoolmate Denis Gifford and the two formed their own publishing company in the early 1950s. Among other writing, Monkhouse wrote more than 100 Harlem Hotspots erotic novelettes.