Ayelet Waldman

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Ayelet Waldman : biography

December 11, 1964 –

Controversial essay about marriage

Waldman is noted for the controversy that followed the publication of her 2005 essay "Motherlove." The essay was first published in the anthology Because I Said So: 33 Mothers Write About Children, Sex, Men, Aging, Faith, Race and Themselves, where she thought it would have only a small readership. However, it was reprinted in the Modern Love section of the New York Times in March 2005 under the headline "Truly, Madly, Guiltily." It can be read online . The essay is ostensibly about how she is the only young mother she knows who is "getting any," but it explores Waldman’s conviction that a woman should consider her spousal relationship more important than her relationships with her children and that a hierarchy of love is essential to a stable and healthy marriage. In the essay, Waldman famously wrote "I love my husband more than I love my children" and that she could survive the death of her children but not the death of her husband, and summarized her ideal family dynamic as follows: "He [husband Michael Chabon], and I, are the core of what he cherishes . . . the children are satellites, beloved but tangential."

Waldman’s essay led to extensive and vitriolic debate,Roberts, Alison, , Chicago Tribune, February 15, 2006 on television shows like The View,Discussed in Luscombe, Belinda, , Time, May 8, 2009. (Retrieved on August 25, 2010.) on internet blogs,Baneerjee, Bidisha, , Slate, March 29, 2005 in coffee shops, and elsewhere.Memmot, Carol, , USA Today, May 1, 2009. (Retrieved on August 25, 2010.) Some people even threatened to report Waldman to the Department of Social Services in relation to the perceived mistreatment of her family. However, some of Waldman’s correspondents approved of her comments, regarding them as similar to the Biblical exhortation to "cleave unto your spouse". Of the debate, Waldman has said "It sounds very naive to say I had no idea, but the real truth is I had no idea."

Oprah Winfrey, who said she was "very brave" for speaking out, invited Waldman onto her television show, to discuss her views on love, marriage, and motherhood. Waldman reports that one woman in the (mostly hostile) audience leaped at her yelling "Let me at her."

Michael Chabon revisited the controversy in an interview appearing in the January 2006 issue of Pages. He suggested that criticism from the "slagosphere" is responsible for suppressing the publication of challenging and thought-provoking writing.

Bad Mother collection

After Waldman complained about the response to her controversial essay, a friend (Daniel Handler) suggested she write a book about it. In 2009, Waldman published a collection of her personal essays, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace., USA Today, April 29, 2009. (Retrieved on August 25, 2010.)

The book argues that no woman can be a perfect mother, that, in fact, competitive, neurotic parenting and having unrealistic expectations may be damaging to children., damomma.com, May 24, 2010.(Retrieved on August 27, 2010.) Waldman contends that society (particularly women, in what she calls the "Bad Mother police") are too hard on other women’s parenting skills.Waldman, Ayelet, , UK Daily Mail, May 28, 2009. (Retrieved on August 25, 2010.) There is a strong theme of maternal ambivalence in the book; Waldman has said "If you give up this career that you’ve strived for your whole life, then what you’ve given it up for had damn well better be perfect."

The book includes chapters on women’s criticism of the mothering by other women, feminism, motherhood, and associated anxieties, including anxieties about breastfeeding, marriage, sexuality of mothers and teenagers, homework, mental illness, the loss of her unborn child, and her relationship with her mother-in-law. The book was a New York Times best-seller, and generally it received favorable reviews.Huhes, Sarah, , The Independent, May 26, 2009Lawson, Nigella, Solod Warren, Lisa, , The Huffington Post, May 6, 2009. (Retrieved August 25, 2010.)Harrison, Pat, , Oregon Live.com, May 8, 2009. (Retrieved August 25, 2010.)Dominus, Susan. , New York Times, May 7, 2000. Retrieved on 2010-08-20Cheever, Susan, , The Daily Beast, December 6, 2009Steinitz, Rebecca, , May 3, 2009. (Retrieved on August 25, 2010.) Excerpts are published online , and .