Mark Twain – the worst man in the world

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Mark Twain – the worst man in the world

A lot of world writers and publishers recognized Mark Twain as a great genius. He was called the father of American literature, the popularity of this writer was so great that there was even time when he was considered to be the most famous and respectful man in the United States! But unfortunately he had to suffer from quite painful experience on his way to the world’s recognition and glory. He experienced humiliation, injustice and even disgrace. That all happened because once he made up his mind to nominate as a candidate for the position of a senator in New York State.

His competitors (those who were eager to become senators too) were two representatives from basic and rather authoritative parties John Smith and Blenk Blank. Probably, a brave writer could get captured by fear of getting involved into election race with its dirty political games, but his total assurance in the significance of his lily-white reputation suppressed it. He felt no fear, the writer looked forward to participating as he expected an easy and soon victory. And no wonder he did! There was not a single newspaper in the whole state which didn’t publish every day different articles in which politics, sinking into the mire of sins, were exposed. Another thing that proved the purity of the writer’s intentions was that the only thing that confused the novelist was that his name was mentioned near names of other politics-frauds on the same list. In order to get rid of all the doubts, Mark Twain, being a well-doing grandchild, wrote a letter to his grandmother asking her to give him some piece of advice. A wise grandmother showed her very negative attitude towards her grandson’s political affairs as she considered that competing with such dishonest people would be horrible humiliation for Mark. Mr. Twain was an obedient grandchild and he always got along with his grandmother very well. But at the same time, he was quite a decisive person. Thus, he decided that it was too late to give in and so he kept on taking part in election race.

The next morning after the writer made his final decision, he saw a fresh newspaper in which there was a headline which depicted colourfully the whole story about the candidate for the position of a senator Mark Twain who back in 1863 in the city of Vakavaka gave false evidence in front of jury trial.

Needless to say that our writer in 1863 wasn’t in Vakavaka (and he had never been there) and what is more, he had never in his life witnessed in front of jury trial. Twain was totally in a fury, he was outraged and annoyed at the same time. He spent the whole day trying to figure out what to do and how to react to such an outrageous slander. The writer finally went to sleep, but he couldn’t fall asleep as he was haunted by troublesome thoughts. The next morning a new newspaper issue made him regret his recent indecision.

“Isn’t that interesting that Mr. Twain decided to keep silent about his giving false evidence?” shouted the article. So during the whole election campaign the newspaper kept calling the writer ‘Horrible Perjurer Twain’.

The next morning began with another wonderful newspaper where it was said that a candidate for the post of a senator Twain who lived in barracks in Montana used to steal things from his friends. When they caught him red-handed, they smeared his body all over with oil tar, caked him with feathers and made him sit on a perch and walked him around the town.

“Instead of coming to the meeting of his followers, Mr. Twain dranktill all’s blue, he tried to get home and he almost got unconscious on his way there, and then he had to crawl on all fours to his hotel room.” That was one of the most innocent article. And as tradition went further, everyone started making up new nicknames for the writer. His brand new nickname was “Twain, Blue Devils”.

“Twain, Dirty Thief” (that nickname was given to him because he had bribed the electorate). Another nickname he received – “Twain, the Tomb Raider” (as it turned out, he also disseminated lies and slander about the dead). Thus, every new day with the little help of newspaper journalists gave more and more offensive nicknames for a man who once was a brave, decisive and honest person named Mark Twain. The writer thought that he had better ignore such ridiculous newspaper slander. Journalists were incredibly happy about it. Every time when they asked Twain some question at the end of their pasquils and didn’t get the answer, they considered it to be his weakness and started to attack him even more furiously They seemed to propagate the opinion that if the writer remained silent that meant he was guilty and he admitted it!

“Hey, take a look at this subject! He is not even able to stand to his rights and defend himself! He doesn’t try to clear his name because he knows there’s nothing as powerful as the truth. This bastard keeps his mouth shut and his silence is very telling! He simply admits all the nicknames are correct.

The writer didn’t have any more patience, he could restrain himself, so he sat sown and began to write an indignant, uncompromising and honest reply. Unfortunately, soon he had to destroy it when he saw his new verdict of “guilty”.

This time Mark Twain (evidently, he did it himself) burnt the whole mental asylum with all the patients there. Do you think he did it just to have fun, for no reason? Well, you are wrong because the writer had a very good reason. The problem was that this building made the view from the candidate’s windows look bad.

Soon after that (probably right after setting the mental asylum on fire) Mr. Twain poisoned his uncle in order to get his inheritance.

And a little bit sooner (sometime between robbing his friends and setting buildings on fire) the candidate for the post of a senator was one of relieving officers, who worked in a foundling hospital. He used his position for his personal interest and he hired lots of his toothless relatives to work there. What job did his relatives do? It’s no secret that (attention, please!) they worked as chewers of food for infants.

But when during Mark Twain’s performance at the meeting, nine little kids of different nationalities and races started to clamber up trying to get near him, shouting discordantly “Daddy, daddy!”, the writer gave up.

He lowered his flag, unable to continue electioneering, which he had began when he was practically a saint man.

When he gave up efforts to get the post of a senator in New York State, the great American writer and a man of amazing sense of humour, just couldn’t help signing the document in this way: “With greatest respect, truthfully yours, once an honest man, and now a Horrible Perjurer, Montana Thief, Tombs Raider, Blue Devils, Dirty Rascal and Lowdown Blackmailer Mark Twain.”